Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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