I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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