every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
