Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize