I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
