I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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