I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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