just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
