I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
