Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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