Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
