new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
