smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
