you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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