she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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