He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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