remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize