3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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