I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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