She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
