I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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