Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
