why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
