There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
