She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A bitchslap is in order.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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