trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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