I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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