Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
