I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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