reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
