Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
