i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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