She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
