Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I AM VODKA MAN
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
