Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
