sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
