I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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