I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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