We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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