When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
