I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
