On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
