the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
