I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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