someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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