my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize