Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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