She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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