i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
