i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
