We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
