the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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