I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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