I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
