I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
