I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
