Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
