I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
pray to the hookup gods
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
