Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my shit smells like andre
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
