So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
