I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
