Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
God, I missed his penis.
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