I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
