its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
