thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
